I haven’t written much lately. Actually, I haven’t written anything here- or anywhere else- in a long ass time. I’ve been busy. I’ve put life ahead of my passion for writing; work, friendships, deaths, catastrophes, and all things positive though most things negative.
I’ve tried giving up, but I’ve learned that nobody’s around to help you pick up your own pieces- your own destructive mess- and honestly, my problems are nobody elses and that’s how it should be. I may feel worthless. Abondoned. Empty. Lonely. Even helpless. But anything and everything “me” is exactly that- ME.
While my chaotic and unstable situations accure, I can’t help but think how less of a man I feel. I know my capabilities. I know I’m smart as hell- a lot smarter then anyone has ever known me to be- but if, when, why, where, and how- I apply myself, my smarts, and my morals- ends up in my control, in my fucking hands everyday, and I’m the master of self sabotage. I’m that guy who builds a mighty kingdom in less time then it takes anyone else to build their foundation and by the time they’ve even built the first level of their kingdom, I’ve already challenged each of the bigger and mightier kingdoms- not to mention, I’ve also challenged my own- and I fight by making irrational and stupid decisions until my kingdom has been destroyed and dismantled- not torn down piece by piece but blown apart as a whole and what’s only left are dust, rubble, and body part remains.
I also wear a mask. Daily I apply this mask, jump onto social media, and post only “positive everything”, not so much towards helping or reminding anyone who recieves, sees, or found these positive “things” but because I wish more then anything my life could just stay on track in a simple but just way and I could wake up and fall asleep knowing a woman couldnt- better yet, wouldn’t want too- live a day without me or that some woman would accept my proposal-fully understanding that I would never fault as a husband and I would love them unconditionally for eternity- and that same woman, when the time is right for her, would want to start a family with me. Now, that’s an awful lot and what I just disclosed isn’t something that’s done so simply and easily and realistically as I’ve stated. But…what if it can?
What if I can live up to all the demands a man and husband, lover and father, should live up too? What if the actual answer to this scenario is the woman I love so deeply? The backbone of who I am and who I can be as a man? What if- all my worries, my distraught, my pain, my troubles, and my unexpliciate depreciation as a human being and as a good guy- would simply vanish now that I wake up and fall asleep, not with some new appreciation of life, but because I now do so next to the love of my life and I’m reminded of not just how lucky I am but that no matter what kingdom surrounds me, challenges me, or attacks me, that my own kingdom I’ve now built with my LoVE will never be destroyed for my LoVE is my Queen and she is the indestructible foundation in which my new kingdom is built upon.
That’s all I know right now. That’s all I want. That’s all I am. Unfortunately, my Queen doesn’t believe in happiness and LoVE as I do because realism is more important to her then creating a dream and bringing it to life. Unfortunately then, I know nothings ever going to happen next and I’ll just be another king without his crown.
But for some like me, someone who has had to rebuild their life from scratch over and over again, someone who’s seen hell and now lives to tell the tales of it, someone like me- no better then anybody else but someone who can turn the impossible into a reality- well, why couldn’t I then turn such a beautiful dream too me and such an unrealistic idea too her and make it a realistic feat?
I don’t know the above future outcome and part of me is glad I dont. Disappointment, no matter how much I’ve given it or received it, is never a good thing. I just believe if it was to happen- even if it was to begin- then it would have already and I wouldn’t have talked about it as my first story back writing. I can’t move past the thought that if it was a possibility in my future, sharing a kingdom with the only queen I’d ever wanted and loved unconditionally, then a sign, a move, or the cornerstone, would now be set into place, and the building of something so beautiful would be on its way forward…