I Know it’s Real…


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I never expected to fall in love. I mean, do we at all expect love to fall into our lap? And because I never expected it, I was ignorant about it- clueless even, and as simple as turning a light on, one day that feeling hit me and i knew I was in love with her.

How could you not see what I saw? Maybe the average person looked into her eyes and thought they looked as brown as the beer bottle she held loosely in her hand. To me, they resembled something like copper against honey. They were warm and sweet like milk chocolate; the soft warmness of them wrapping around me like a blanket that made me instantly feel at home. They shined- a glossy kind of shine- and i knew that when they water,. they glow the same shade as nature after it rains. Her black eyebrows arched low on her clear, tan forehead- thin like the bridge of her nose- which guided me to her lips. Pierced together as if she just finished fighting off a smile, they were the color of roses and i wondered to myself whether kissing them would feel as comfortable as resting my head upon a soft pillow after a long day at work.  Her hair- simple and straight, was dark mahogany- and as she turned her head beneath the dropped ceiling light fixtures, I swear I could see speckles of gold in its strands that stopped short of her shoulder. 

She approached me, I didn’t approach her. I was working my security job at a popular night club and i was scanning the crowd looking for trouble. I remember her and the group of people she was with when they entered the club, but I watch all kinds of pretty women every night at work, so her appearance wasn’t unusual for this kind of atmosphere.

She spoke first and I noticed her confidence relay through her voice. “Give me your phone.” she said. I smiled and lightly laughed, not quite sure what she was getting at. “Why would I just give you my phone?” I asked, giving her my full attention away from my job. “Because I’m gonna put my number it in”, she assuredly said, never taking her eyes off of mine. I was taken back. I’ve had women flirt with me, ask me to grab breakfast afterwards with them, and even have them ask me back to their place before, but this was a new advance I’d never expected, and one that interested me. Still, I wanted to make sure it was honest and sincere. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to just hook up with someone since getting out of a serious relationship I was just in. So, I told her I’d think about it, now knowing her attentions and being able to watch how she acted for the rest of the night. She smiled and turned away her character, simply saying “ok” as she walked back to her group of friends who were dancing in the middle of the dance floor and was oblivious to what she just did.

I let her put my number in my phone. I literally unlocked it, set up my contacts, and allowed her to type her name and number into it, then watched her press the save button. It took me 3 days to call but I did and a week later she drove to my apartment where we watched a movie and got to know each other. She worked at a hospital and went to college for nursing. She knew where I worked and i told her I was hoping to get into the Union. But something I can’t- and won’t- ever forget was how accepting and understanding she was when I made the decision and informed her of my past; my addiction, my arrests, my mother, my life, and she never judged me once. Not once. And later, when we’d argue over ridiculous stuff, she never ever held anything against me. 

The love wasn’t there in the beginning. Sure, I was attracted like hell to her but I was battling emotions within myself that I wasn’t capable of making any logical decisions over. I was stuck. But No matter how distant I acted at times, she hung around, and it wasn’t in a creepy- won’t leave me alone type of way- but because when I did open up and relax with her, she saw who I really was and that’s who she was getting feelings for.

A trip she took to Miami was the breaking point. Two days into it I sent her a text that I meant more than ever. “I miss you” is what I said and almost as fast as I typed those words, she responded with “I miss you too”. When she returned from her vacation we made plans for her to spend the night at my place. That very second I saw her I just knew she was the woman I wanted to be with. Though it wasn’t until months later that I proclaimed my feelings of love towards her, it still didn’t mean I wasn’t beginning to feel it sporadically. That night, at my place, she was more beautiful then I’ve ever seen. Maybe her south Florida tan assisted with me thinking that but it was more and that more was unexplainable. All I remember is laying beside her in my bed and that beauty of hers- staring me right in my eyes- overwhelmed me. It made me stop breathing. Again, I knew I wanted to be with this woman.

I wound up asking her out- while eating dinner at the Cheesecake Factory- and she glowed like a star in the midnight sky. It was wonderful to witness and be a part of. But I never told her I loved her because those feelings I was still sorting out through my heart. I just knew I needed to be with her.

I learned through this relationship that love is screwed up. It’s confusing. It’s questionable at times and it can be hard. But I also learned it’s priceless. It’s large- so large it can consume every second of your life. It turns a frown into a smile and it chases your chaos away and fills that void with comfort and meaning. I have rarely loved before and I’ve never loved like this, but one thing is for certain; this love I have, for this woman, I do not regret, and I carry with me every second of everyday. Nothing can be as beautiful as real love.

The Adventure


As I ride home from work upon the Red Line(the infamous subway from Good Will Hunting), I can’t help wonder what all these people are going through in life.

There is an Asian woman and her little daughter I just gave my seat to and I wonder why they boarded the train to just get off at the next stop. I see at the end of the trolly car 3 high school football players, filling the atmosphere with their addictive laughter, one almost leaving his helmet and shoulder pads behind while they rushed out the sliding doors. There’s the woman sitting across from where I stand reading on her Kindle while the student standing next to me fumbles, and catches, his book, interrupting the story I don’t pay any mind about.

A girl removes and blows the inside of her glasses off and I stand wondering if I didn’t do a good enough job dusting myself off before I left work. I search around, swearing I’d find an obvious addict, and I think I found a kid who fits the mold- head leaning into his lap so far that others may wonder if he’s just trying to zipper up his fly with his teeth- but who am I to label someone when I’m no better then the next. Plus, I’ve been in his shoes not too long before.

I ask myself who in here has suffered a loss lately; a mother, father, a friend or a neighbor. Doesn’t matter who, as long as this loss has meaning- some importance and unknowing longevity the future has inteaded.

I listen to Eva Cassidys cover of Fields of Gold and think about the girl who broke my heart not long before my life came crumbling down. I close my eyes and see her bare back facing me as she sits at the end of my bed, her neck nearly breaking as she turns to watch me watch her, and I can’t help but lose my breath for that moment.

A man boards my car and stands beside me, lugging a cart on two wheels with a sign asking, “Is Satan Dead?” I’m not one to judge but I know this is my cue to leave. I pick my backpack off the floor and turning towards the slidding doors, the man with the cart looks at me and says, “God Bless You!”.

I exit and think to myself- same to you!