And it really comes down to that.
Let me share a story I know about this guy and you can be the one to judge whether his story is sad or not.
I met him in Cape Cod. He’s around my size, enjoys the same music, loves the same sport teams, works construction. Part of why we connected. He also loves heroin. I mean he loves it. Fortunately though, he hasn’t stuck a needle in his arm or ingested any opiates in 5 1/2 yrs; an amazing feat by any account.
Those are some good things about him and his life. He tries his hardest to help another addict or human being who’s having it rough in life or struggling with any form of addiction and mental health problems. But that’s what he shows, acts upon, and uses as a cover up- a disguise masking who he really is.
Like myself, his mother passed away and he hasn’t spoken to his family since, not because he chooses not too talk but because they’ve refused his many attempts of reaching out and building something that was never really there in the first place: a relationship.
He understands the strength and importance of both of the words, love and hate, and those two words only circumvent the same two people in his life. He hates himself because he was never available during his mother’s last days on earth and he hates himself because he lost an ex girlfriend and isn’t good enough to ever get her back. Sometimes he can’t look at himself in the mirror or pursue interested flames because he is drowning in worthlessness and self doubt. My heart hurts when writing about this pain and regret because I know it’s real.
What he can’t shake is that those two people were also the only people who’ve ever loved him unconditionally, and when it was too late, he realized that he- too- can now love them unconditionally as well. But, it’s too late for that. His mother is never coming back and his ex may as well never come back also.
He sabotages every single thing that’s good for him in his life. He doesn’t believe he deserves better. He claims, if there’s a heaven or an afterlife, that he’s not welcome. He doesn’t try nor think about ways to end his misery but you can almost see- upon his straight grin and melancholy eyes- that he prays that he doesn’t wake up the next morning and instead put an infinite end to his existence.
His heart is bigger then I’ve ever seen. His decision making is who he is, always suffering from the backfire from helping another human, a suffering that’s wound him in hospitals, jails, and even the shelter in which he now calls home, located here in Hyannis. He’s not wanted by old or new friends. His family stopped acknowledging his presence years ago and wouldn’t give him a chance regardless of what he’s done to improve himself or others. He feels and sees hatred daily within himself which in return reflects his place on this planet.
And, too, I understand.
I haven’t written much lately. Actually, I haven’t written anything here- or anywhere else- in a long ass time. I’ve been busy. I’ve put life ahead of my passion for writing; work, friendships, deaths, catastrophes, and all things positive though most things negative.
I’ve tried giving up, but I’ve learned that nobody’s around to help you pick up your own pieces- your own destructive mess- and honestly, my problems are nobody elses and that’s how it should be. I may feel worthless. Abondoned. Empty. Lonely. Even helpless. But anything and everything “me” is exactly that- ME.
While my chaotic and unstable situations accure, I can’t help but think how less of a man I feel. I know my capabilities. I know I’m smart as hell- a lot smarter then anyone has ever known me to be- but if, when, why, where, and how- I apply myself, my smarts, and my morals- ends up in my control, in my fucking hands everyday, and I’m the master of self sabotage. I’m that guy who builds a mighty kingdom in less time then it takes anyone else to build their foundation and by the time they’ve even built the first level of their kingdom, I’ve already challenged each of the bigger and mightier kingdoms- not to mention, I’ve also challenged my own- and I fight by making irrational and stupid decisions until my kingdom has been destroyed and dismantled- not torn down piece by piece but blown apart as a whole and what’s only left are dust, rubble, and body part remains.
I also wear a mask. Daily I apply this mask, jump onto social media, and post only “positive everything”, not so much towards helping or reminding anyone who recieves, sees, or found these positive “things” but because I wish more then anything my life could just stay on track in a simple but just way and I could wake up and fall asleep knowing a woman couldnt- better yet, wouldn’t want too- live a day without me or that some woman would accept my proposal-fully understanding that I would never fault as a husband and I would love them unconditionally for eternity- and that same woman, when the time is right for her, would want to start a family with me. Now, that’s an awful lot and what I just disclosed isn’t something that’s done so simply and easily and realistically as I’ve stated. But…what if it can?
What if I can live up to all the demands a man and husband, lover and father, should live up too? What if the actual answer to this scenario is the woman I love so deeply? The backbone of who I am and who I can be as a man? What if- all my worries, my distraught, my pain, my troubles, and my unexpliciate depreciation as a human being and as a good guy- would simply vanish now that I wake up and fall asleep, not with some new appreciation of life, but because I now do so next to the love of my life and I’m reminded of not just how lucky I am but that no matter what kingdom surrounds me, challenges me, or attacks me, that my own kingdom I’ve now built with my LoVE will never be destroyed for my LoVE is my Queen and she is the indestructible foundation in which my new kingdom is built upon.
That’s all I know right now. That’s all I want. That’s all I am. Unfortunately, my Queen doesn’t believe in happiness and LoVE as I do because realism is more important to her then creating a dream and bringing it to life. Unfortunately then, I know nothings ever going to happen next and I’ll just be another king without his crown.
But for some like me, someone who has had to rebuild their life from scratch over and over again, someone who’s seen hell and now lives to tell the tales of it, someone like me- no better then anybody else but someone who can turn the impossible into a reality- well, why couldn’t I then turn such a beautiful dream too me and such an unrealistic idea too her and make it a realistic feat?
I don’t know the above future outcome and part of me is glad I dont. Disappointment, no matter how much I’ve given it or received it, is never a good thing. I just believe if it was to happen- even if it was to begin- then it would have already and I wouldn’t have talked about it as my first story back writing. I can’t move past the thought that if it was a possibility in my future, sharing a kingdom with the only queen I’d ever wanted and loved unconditionally, then a sign, a move, or the cornerstone, would now be set into place, and the building of something so beautiful would be on its way forward…